


what doesn’t kill me makes me want you more

by hollyandvice (hiasobi_writes), starksnack



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Jealous Steve, Love Confessions, M/M, Miscommunication, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28496427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiasobi_writes/pseuds/hollyandvice, https://archiveofourown.org/users/starksnack/pseuds/starksnack
Summary: Steve thinks they're dating. Tony thinks they're in a relationship. Angst ensues.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 19
Kudos: 128
Collections: 2020 Captain America/Iron Man Holiday Exchange





	what doesn’t kill me makes me want you more

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cap Iron Man Community](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Cap+Iron+Man+Community).



> for the prompt - 537 steve thinks they're friends with benefits while tony thinks they're in a relationship
> 
> title from [cruel summer by taylor swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic8j13piAhQ)
> 
> special thanks to our incredible beta who will be revealed very soon

Tony's tracing patterns on Steve's chest, luxuriating in a rare shared day off. Lately their time together has been sporadic at best, and almost always focused on physical intimacy rather than anything else. It's not that Tony doesn't love the physical intimacy; he does. It's that sometimes he just wants to curl up in Steve's arms and just _be_ with him without any of the trappings of sex.

Which is what makes today exactly what the doctor ordered for their relationship. A full day with nothing on their schedules but one another. Tony may have pulled some strings to make that happen, and maybe something that he doesn’t want to think about is crashing and burning without him, but it doesn't really matter now that he has Steve under him.

Steve looks down at him, and Tony can feel the smile radiating on his face. Being the center of Steve's considerable attention is the best feeling in the world.

"Hell of a way to wake up," Steve says, eyes glittering in a way that has Tony’s heart soaring in the sky of their depths.

Tony looks up at him, lips parted invitingly. Steve doesn't waste the invitation, leaning in to take Tony's lips without a second thought. Tony wants to say he tastes like maple syrup and sugar the way kisses after breakfast do but neither of them have brushed their teeth and it thrills Tony that they’re comfortable enough with each other to share kisses like this. "Mm, what can I say?" Tony says. "I like to give you what you deserve."

Steve laughs, and Tony can't hold back a chuckle as his head bounces on Steve's chest.

Tony kisses him one more time before he slips out of bed. He grabs the remains of his clothes from the floor; Steve's work after realizing last night that they had the whole day off today. He rolls his eyes at the carefully unbuttoned shirt in one hand and the boxers Steve had ripped in half in the other. "And this is why I can't take you anywhere."

Steve sits up in bed, the sheets draped artfully over his knees to pool in his lap. "Hey there. It's not like you've ever asked me to be a gentleman."

"Touché." The thought niggles at the back of Tony's mind, as it has been for the last three days. Pepper had been more insistent than usual, and, really, it's not like he has anything to lose at this point. "Although, if you want a chance to be a gentleman, I may have one."

"What's that?" Steve asks.

Tony turns to him. It's not that he's scared Steve will say no. They've been together for three months at this point. It's that his yes will be confirmation of so much more than Tony thinks he can handle. "I have this gala next week. I was… I know you're busy," he says, hating how uncertain he sounds, "but I thought I'd at least ask if you… that is, if you'd come with me. To the gala."

Steve stays quiet for longer than Tony was expecting. He swallows, something in him itching to take the words back. But he's sure about Steve, that Steve's it for him, and if he can just show the world how sure he is, then maybe it'll start to feel a little more real to him.

"As… as your date?"

Tony blinks. Steve's tone is skeptical, and Tony's stomach twists. Still, in for a penny, in for a pound. "Yeah."

Steve crosses his legs under the sheets, and he's looking right at Tony now, with the kind of clear-eyed certainty that Tony's more acquainted with in the field than in bed. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Tony."

"Oh." Tony's ears are buzzing and his knees have locked hard enough that he's distantly worried he might pass out. "Can I… can I ask why not?"

"Well, people might get the wrong idea."

"The wrong idea."

"They might think we're involved."

The roaring in Tony's ears gets even more intense. "Right. And that… would be the wrong idea."

Steve frowns. "Tony?"

Tony blinks hard. He's not going to cry. Not here, at any rate. "Yeah, no, totally. Wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea. I, uh. I gotta head down to the lab for a bit, but I'll catch you later okay?"

"What? But I thought—"

"Yeah, no, Pepper texted me late last night and I need to— to do the upgrades for SI as quick as possible, so I'm just gonna— I'm gonna go do that."

He doesn’t sprint out of the bedroom, that would give too much away, but he does get out of there like his ass is on fire, face burning in humiliation. He should never have asked, he’d only set himself up for disaster.

When he’s standing at the elevator stabbing the call button, he realises that he’s still naked with his shirt and boxers in hand. He pulls the wrinkled fabric over his head, buttoning it up halfway. Thankfully the hem drops low enough to cover his length because the last thing he needs is one of the other Avengers teasing him while he’s on the brink of tears.

The elevator is blessedly empty when the doors slide open and Tony hurries inside, finally letting out the breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. His shoulders sag like his strings have been cut and he presses the heels of his hands to his eyes. He can’t cry until he gets to the safety of the workshop so for now he just has to take measured breaths.

Leaning forward, he presses his forehead against the window, the cool glass a soothing balm against his heated face. New York is well into the day the streets bustling with people unaware of the heartbreak their favourite red and gold superhero is facing. He wished he could be that oblivious.

Tony steps out onto the workshop floor, heart settling in his chest as he enters the safety of his creation cocoon. “Jarvis, enable lockdown. Disable all override codes for Steve.”

There’s an affirmative and Tony finally lets himself slump onto the couch. It’s the one Steve usually sits in when he comes down to draw and Tony’s heart is already cleaved with the loss. Steve won’t come down to join Tony in the workshop once he learns about Tony’s raging crush. Dum-E and U will be heartbroken.

Speaking of the bots, all of them roll up to Tony, beeping in concern. Dum-E offers him a rag, to try and cheer him up while U just sets his claw in Tony’s lap and tries to soothe him.

The boxers are thrown to the side and Tony studiously ignores them, not wanting to be reminded of how blissfully happy he’d been just hours prior, safe in Steve’s arms, open and vulnerable underneath him. He’d been such a fool.

It’s now glaringly obvious that Steve only wanted them to be friends with benefits and Tony, who’d been rocketing toward boyfriends with plans of a future together felt unmoored by the realisation, cast away with no signs of land in sight. He hates it. Steve has always been his Polaris since the team’s formation and now without him Tony is wandering alone through the world.

Dum-E brings over the Iron Man helmet in a last ditch attempt to lift Tony’s spirits and he holds the metal in his hands, running his fingers over the face slit up to the high point of the cheekbone. The armour is a thing of glory; it’s always been his safe place and now more than ever he needs that because he’s lost his other sanctuary in Steve’s arms.

“Thanks bud,” Tony whispers, patting Dum-E’s support strut in gratitude. “I really needed this.”

Tony slips the helmet over his head, taking a deep breath. This one is less shaky than the one before it and Tony wraps his arms around his torso in a self-soothing move. The HUD lights up and Tony closes his eyes just breathing in the familiar smell of metal and oil. He doesn’t need to be around Steve 24/7 to feel safe. It was nice, but not something that he couldn’t live without.

“Stark men are made of iron,” Tony reminds himself, cupping his elbows as he finally sinks into an inner peace away from raging heartbreak that threatens to consume his fragile heart. He can push all this hurt away, he has to if he wants things to be okay between him and Steve.

It is his own damn fault after all. He shouldn’t have assumed things. Steve never introduced Tony as his partner. Tony had always assumed that co-leader of the Avengers was a much more important title but now that Tony thinks about it, the introduction was a subtle hint that Steve wanted nothing more than to get his dick wet. It may be an uncharitable thought, but it's all Tony's willing to give him right now.

Tony feels like he should want to pace, to move, to shake off the awkward and uncertain energy that's overtaken him. He should want to create, to destroy, to do _something_ other than sit here like he's been knocked off his feet.

But he has. And maybe that's the problem.

This isn't the first time that Tony's had to rearrange the way he thinks about the world. It had happened when his parents died; it had happened after Afghanistan; it had happened after the Battle of New York. This is just one more thing. Stark men are made of iron and Tony won't let something like this set him back. He's recovered from worse, and this will be just like that. He'll just need to desensitize himself to Steve's presence. Forget what they used to be to each other, and go back to just being teammates.

Hah. Easier said than done. It's not like Tony had ever seen Steve as _just_ a teammate anyway. He's always been larger than life, and then, when he wasn't, he'd been just human enough to make him attainable. Just human enough to make Tony think he had a chance.

It had been a vain hope, but a hope nonetheless.

Still, Steve is important to him, and not just because of the physical piece of what they've had. Steve is… he's witty, with just enough snark to keep Tony on his toes; he's forthright with a moral compass that Tony can only hope to match; he's just… he's _Steve_. There's no one else like him and if Tony can keep even a small part of him close, then maybe he'll be okay.

Maybe Tony won't have to tear his heart to shreds just to keep him.

* * *

The first time they have sex after (because that's what Tony's life is now, before he realized Steve didn't love him, and after), Tony tries to pretend everything's okay. He tries to let Steve deepthroat him like nothing's changed, tries to jerk him off while Steve whispers sweet nothings into Tony's mouth.

That's all they are, though. Nothing.

The knowledge leaves him cold, though, and the afterglow fades before it's even begun. He smiles at Steve, though it feels plastered on like one he gives out freely to the press. He kisses Steve's lips with no heat, rolls off the bed, and gathers his clothes. Tony doesn’t have the strength to cuddle with Steve and pretend that nothing has changed.

"Tony?"

Tony closes his eyes against the question in Steve's tone. "Hmm?"

"Are you— Where are you going?"

"Oh, I was just going to finish some prototypes for the shareholders' meeting on Friday. No big deal."

"You didn't— Did I interrupt you earlier?"

Tony doesn't want to play twenty questions with Steve, but if that's what it takes to get him out of here, he will. "No, it's all good. Don't worry."

"Tony—"

"Anyway, this was fun. I'll see you at the team dinner tonight, okay?"

Tony doesn't wait for an answer. He throws on his clothes, uncaring that his t-shirt is probably on backwards and inside-out. He needs to get out of here. Away from Steve. Away from all of this. And maybe throw up a little. His stomach turns anxiously, anxiety clawing up his throat and threatening to choke him.

He makes it to the lab before the nausea gets to be too much. He rushes to the bathroom and throws up the entirety of the lunch Steve had taken him out to before they'd fallen into bed together. God, how is Tony supposed to teach his idiot brain that he and Steve are just friends with benefits if Steve keeps taking him on outings that could be dates right out of Tony's own playbook? The man knows him better than anyone save perhaps Rhodey and Pepper, and if he keeps this up Tony's not going to be able to convince himself that this isn't what he wants it to be.

He's always been selfish, but now, more than ever, he hates that about himself.

He presses his cheek against the cool porcelain of the sink next to him, trying to fight down another wave of nausea. This is what he wanted, but if it's all he's going to get, he'll make do. He has to.

* * *

Tony is dreading the team dinner. His heart feels like it’s trying to beat out of the cage of his ribs, but he knows if he wants to keep up his perfect facade with Steve he needs to make an appearance and put on a front like everything is okay.

The kitchen smells like lasagna and immediately his stomach settles, memories of his childhood and Jarvis making him pasta after a bad day swimming to the forefront of his mind. Bruce is cooking and he grins, coming up behind his science bro for a hug.

“Hey Brucie bear,” Tony grins and it comes easily to him, not like the plastic ones he’s been pulling up lately. “Did you make lasagna to suck up to me? You know I’ll make you stretchy pants without bribery a la Italian food.”

Bruce only shakes his head reaching back to hug Tony. It’s awkward, but it feels so nice to have this affection without the performance, to just be there with Bruce breathing in the comforting scent of his cologne.

“It’s good to see you Tony,” Bruce’s voice is warm like the food he’s making, encasing Tony in its embrace and it feels like coming home after so long of ignoring the internal turmoil he’s been battling. “You’ve been in your lab a lot lately, we were going to stage an intervention.”

Tony waves him off, turning so he can hop up onto the counter beside Bruce. “I’ve just had some projects running in the lab. Life as the head of R&D you know how it goes.”

Clint, Natasha, and Thor come in from the gym, all laughing together as they trade jabs about who bested who. Thor is all bubbly laughter and Clint with his snarky wit and Tony didn’t realise how much he missed this; his team. Tony knows that Natasha beat them all because there’s no way she didn’t.

“Look who has graced us with his presence,” Clint bellows in a poor impersonation of Thor who immediately shoves at him, a large smile on his face. “That was totally on point,” Clint defends, “y’all’re just haters.”

Natasha rolls her eyes but there’s a smile on her face as the three of them join Tony and Bruce in the kitchen. “Thanks for cooking today Bruce, it was Steve’s turn, but he’s been busy.”

“Busy with what?” Clint raises his brows. “That’s not the best example as our team leader.”

Tony doesn’t respond, ducking his head at the mention of Steve. When he tunes back into the conversation, Nat is looking at him, question swimming in her eyes. He knows she’s going to interrogate him about it later, but for now she just turns back to Thor who is flapping his arms like a bird in mockery of Clint.

“Caw caw motherfucker!” Thor yells.

“That is an A plus impersonation,” Bruce comments and Clint makes a noise like a wounded animal, declaring war. The banter between all of them warms something inside Tony that he didn’t know he needed leaning back on the counter and taking them all in. They’re his team, his friends, and even though things with Steve have gone sour, he’ll always have them.

“Dinner is served,” Bruce cuts through their conversation, bringing the food over to the table as Tony grabs them all plates, passing them around.

Tony takes his place at the table’s foot and when Steve rushes in, slumping into his seat at the table’s head, Tony studiously ignores him, serving himself lasagna and inhaling his food. “Bruce, this smells incredible. Thank you for cooking this for us.”

“Sorry I missed cooking,” Steve cuts in, and Tony looks back down at his food, shovelling some lasagna in his mouth. “Hey Tony, how was that project for the shareholders in the lab?”

“Good,” Tony replies off handedly, squirming in his chair before reminding himself things are supposed to be okay between him and Steve and fidgeting is going to be a dead giveaway. Forcing himself still, he turns to Clint. “Speaking of the lab, I have some new arrows for you Merida, when are you going to come down and test them?”

Clint glances between Tony and Steve before raising a brow at him. Tony then remembers that for all Clint’s shenanigans, he’s still one of SHIELD’s best spies and he’s probably onto them. “I’ll be down after dinner.”

“Thanks,” Tony relaxes, goes back to devouring his lasagna and making pleased noises, by the smile on Bruce’s face, Tony knows that he’s delighted to have made something Tony enjoys so greatly and it just makes him want to hug his bro all over again.

“So, Steve,” Natasha begins and Tony scrambles for a distraction in case she addresses the elephant in the room. Tony is not ready to combat tears at the dinner table. “You left sparring practice early?”

“Yeah,” Clint jumps on the bandwagon, turning on Steve. “You missed a totally amazing duel between me and Thor where I totally beat the god of thunder.” Clint makes a sound like a crowd going wild and chanting his name. “I think I should be the Strongest Avenger.”

“Let’s not start with that,” Bruce cuts in, “unless we want the other guy to make an appearance. He gets really touchy about these things.”

Before a round of arguing can eclipse their conversation, Tony jumps in again. Better to direct the attention away from that argument sooner than later. “I’m going to be missing movie night tomorrow evening.”

“Movie night?” Natasha asks, and if he knew her better he’d be able to identify what sounded like concern in her voice. “You’ve missed sparring every day this week and now you’re skipping out on movie night as well?”

“We’re starting to think you don’t like us,” Clint jokes, but there’s worry laced in his voice to accompany the concerned cock of his head.

Tony plasters on another smile, though this one is a little more fake around the edges. “Sorry team, I have a gala to attend by order of Pepper and because I don’t want a heel to the more delicate parts of my anatomy, I think I should attend.”

Everyone around the table nods in understanding. Out of all of them, Tony has the most obligations with Stark Industries and SHIELD’s technological security and the Avengers and their upgrades. Not to mention actually being Iron Man. They’re all pretty flexible when it comes to his meetings and public relations events and he couldn’t be more grateful to all of them.

“We’ll miss you greatly Tony,” Thor says sincerely. His blue eyes are wide and understanding and for all he looks like a massive golden retriever Tony wants to hug him and say he wishes he could be there.

He feels guilty for being grateful. On movie nights he and Steve always share the loveseat but Tony doesn’t know if he can sit so close to him. It would be torture having to breathe in the smell of Steve’s peppermint soap and listen to him laugh and know Steve isn’t his and never was. Their whole relationship was just a figment of Tony’s wild imagination, and he’s done being a prisoner to the dreams of his genius mind.

“Sorry guys, but it’s mandatory.” Tony turns toward Bruce. “I could use a plus one though, if you’re up for it Brucie-bear.”

"Me?" Bruce isn't discreet about the way he glances down the table toward Steve. Tony doesn't let himself follow Bruce's line of sight, though. It's a fight, but he doesn't want to know what Steve's face looks like right now.

"Just as friends," Tony assures when Bruce takes too long to respond. "I'd really rather not be stuck talking to boring rich white dudes all night."

"Hey now," Clint says. There's a thread of something dangerous in his tone, and Tony tenses, until he realizes it's not intended for him. "There's plenty of boring old white chicks too."

Tony laughs, and the tense spell is broken. Bruce agrees to join him, and Thor bemoans the fact that he wasn't invited as well. Tony pretends not to notice the meaningful looks Nat and Clint are throwing at one another, and the only reason he doesn't manage that is that he's also trying to ignore the pinched look on Steve's face. He catches half a glance of it before he has to look away. He knows now what he is to Steve. He's someone to pass the time with, someone to have some fun with. He's not… whatever it is that Tony thought he was. They're not _together_ , and that hurts more than anything else.

Tony focuses on Bruce and Thor, on Clint and Nat, and when it's time to wash the dishes, he doesn't look twice at Steve when he excuses himself early.

* * *

Steve catches Tony coming out of his lab around seven AM the next morning. He crowds Tony against the door to the lab, his bulk doing the work where his beseeching face can't.

Tony doesn't meet his eyes. He can’t.

"Are you going to tell me what that was about at dinner last night?"

"What was what about?"

"You and Bruce. What was that about?"

Tony stands up a little taller, trying to fill the meager space Steve has granted him. "I don't think that's any of your business, is it?"

Steve blinks, but instead of pulling away, he moves in closer, nosing at Tony's chin. Tony tips his head back, letting Steve nip at the line of his neck. "I didn't think you'd go that route, is all."

Tony swallows past the lump in his throat. "I told you, Pepper wanted me to bring a plus one. You didn't want to come, so I invited Bruce."

Steve wedges a knee between Tony's thighs, and Tony hates the way his body opens up for Steve so easily. "Yeah, but you didn't say it was just as friends."

Those words burn a path through Tony's consciousness, bringing him to stand upright in front of Steve. He pushes at the soldier's shoulders, and Steve pulls away instinctively. If there's one thing Tony knows about Steve, it's how seriously he takes consent.

"You're right," Tony agrees. "You assumed. Sorry the idea of dating me is so repulsive to you."

Steve's eyes go wide and his jaw drops, but Tony shoves his shoulders again and hightails it to the elevator. He jams the button for the penthouse and thanks his lucky stars that Jarvis knows to close the doors immediately. Tony owes him a server upgrade and some kisses.

He's managed to make it this far without crying in front of Steve. He doesn't want to start now.

* * *

Clint and Thor insist on helping Tony get ready for the gala later that night. It feels very 2000s teen movie, not that Tony has watched any of those. Thor even brushed his hair for him and gelled it up.

"Don't tell me you've got Natasha on Bruce's detail."

Thor directs an unsubtle glance at Clint, but Clint doesn't look away from where he's fixing Tony's pocket square. "She's the only person with enough sense to keep the Hulk in line and get your date looking as drop dead gorgeous as you deserve."

"He's not my date."

"Mm hmm," Clint says. He fiddles with Tony's collar, messing it up more than fixing it. "Whatever you say, dude."

Tony doesn't have a good response for that. If he was going on a real date, it wouldn't be with Bruce. Not if he had any choice in the matter. He's completely gone for Steve, and until he can mend that hole in his heart, he's not about to go out with anyone else. It wouldn't be right.

"Okay," Clint says, patting Tony's lapels. "You're all set."

"You didn't help at all."

"That's what you think."

Tony frowns at Clint's wink. He's not sure what Clint's idea of helping is, but he's pretty sure whatever just happened doesn't count.

Thor threads his arm through Tony's taking him down the hall to the elevator. He spends the whole elevator ride talking about how he would dress for the feasts of Asgard, how far he would go to ensure that everyone had the best time at his gatherings, and how he doesn't quite understand what all the brouhaha surrounding these galas is about. Tony barely listens, his mind as distracted as it's been for the last few days. It's a good thing Bruce is the one that's coming with him, because he needs someone on his arm that can talk with some semblance of sense.

Which is why, when they get down to the common area, Tony's vague agitation turns into a slow boiling rage. It's not Bruce that meets him there, dressed to the nines.

It's Steve.

Tony doesn't have the words. There are no words to convey how pissed off he is, how disrespected he feels, and how much he wants to crawl in a hole and die right now. This is not what he'd expected tonight, not what he'd wanted, and there's no way this is what is happening right now. His friends aren't this cruel. _Nat_ isn't this cruel, and she of all people knows what's going on right now. He looks over at her where she stands at Steve's right shoulder, her eyes clear and unrepentant.

"Clear the room," Tony bites out. The words are harsh and sharp, sandpaper against his throat, but everyone complies instantly.

Everyone except for Steve, who seems to know his place.

"Is this some kind of sick joke to you?"

Steve rears back, as if he’s been hit, seemingly stunned by the harshness of Tony's words. "What? No. This isn't that at all, Tony."

"Because you seemed pretty adamant that this wasn't something you wanted to do. Didn't want people getting the 'wrong idea.' That's what you said to me."

Steve winces. "It is."

"So what the hell changed? Because if this is some twisted plan you and Natasha cooked up to mess with my feelings—"

"Nat's the one that told me."

Tony's too surprised to be mad that Steve had cut him off. "What?"

"Nat's the one that got my head out of my ass and told me why you were so upset. Why you didn't seem to want to be around me after what I'd said. She told me—" Steve wets his lips, and Tony can see the hesitation in his eyes. The vulnerability. "Was she lying to me?"

Tony wants to make Steve say the words. He wants Steve to be the one to confess first. Wants to make him understand what it feels like to hold his heart out and place it gently in someone's hands just for them to cast it aside.

But he can't wait, and he doesn't want Steve to suffer. Not the way Tony did. Not any longer than necessary. "No, Steve. She wasn't lying."

The joy that spreads over Steve's face is all-encompassing. He pulls Tony in close and buries his face in Tony's neck. "Thank you," he whispers.

Tony rests hesitant hands on Steve's hips. "But you knew that already. I mean, surely you knew how much you mean to me."

Steve shrugs, scratching the back of his neck. "I'd wondered. I'd hoped. But I didn't know. I didn't _know_ ; Tony, how could you not tell me?"

"I did, Steve, in so many ways."

"But you never _told me_. You never said how you felt."

"Is that the only way you tell someone you love them, Steve? With words?"

"Tony—"

"Words are cheap, Rogers. You should know that. And you, of all people, should know that I'm not cheap."

When Steve laughs, the sound is shattered and aching. "I do, Tony. Damn, do I ever."

Tony lets Steve pull him in close again. "Good. Then let's be clear about something. I love you, Steven Grant Rogers, and that isn't changing anytime soon. Alright?"

"Well then, Anthony Edward Stark, I suppose I should be asking you if you'd like to go steady with me."

Tony hums, stepping out of Steve's embrace. "We'll see. Wow me tonight, and you just might have a shot at that, tiger."

But Tony already knows he's a goner. He's been Steve's for years, even before he was carved from the ice that had protected him for the decades until Tony could actually be his. There's nothing and no one that's more important to Tony than Steve is. They're going to get through this, and be stronger for it when they make it to the other side.


End file.
